Feeling Sinful

I've been feeling very sinful lately, more than ever before. Not that I've actually done anything sinful so much as I've been thinking about being sinful and entertaining thoughts of being sinful. But that's sinful enough according to the Sermon on the Mount and I think the Sermon on the Mount is a pretty good guide.

I wonder if there will come a time when I will look back upon my present situation and see it as an epic battle for my mind. If I am to achieve my dream I think it would be better not to do anything I might regret, better for my self-respect. Could it be that I'm experiencing testing because of God's call on my life? That's not really for me to say, the interpretation of such things is ridiculously subjective. If we experience good times we say God is blessing us because we're doing something right, if we have bad experiences we say Satan is attacking us because we're doing something right. I don't really think it works like that.

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All I know is that I seem to be a bit of a freak and it would be nice to find some other freaks who could accept me.

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[I forgot to mention that I went to church on Sunday morning, it was a Fresh Expressions meeting, and the theme was trusting God. And the text was the epic scene of Jesus' temptation. The point was brought out that Jesus needed to trust God for his calling in order to turn down the tempations he was faced with. This seemed to be a timely message for me, if I were to allow myself to be 'sinful' it would be like I was giving up on my calling, and my dream. But it seems that there are no garuntees with such a slippery concept as calling or with dreams. I've had disappointments before but somehow I hold on in hope, it seems that God works that way, he just keeps us hanging on. I hope I won't regret it.]