Feeling Spiritual

It started on a Thursday evening a couple of weeks ago when I was trying to catch-up with some sleep and I heard bits of an interview with Jonny Wilkinson on Radio 5. The intro said he would speak openly about various aspects of his life including his religion – that almost got my attention as I drifted in and out of consciousness.

Wilkinson spoke so openly about his religion that I never figured out which religion he follows. I’ve done the listen again thing on the BBC website but I’m none the wiser. As far as I can tell he believes in karma and he spoke of a ‘higher power’ so I wondered whether he might follow some form of Buddhism but I don’t really know. Whatever it is, it was interesting to hear him speak of his efforts to better himself.

One thing he mentioned was assessing himself each day and reflecting on how he might improve – not just his rugby but himself generally. He also talked about a principle he has learned from a coach by which he imagines that all his actions are recorded on a camera. With this in mind he tries not to do anything which would not be approved of by the people he respects, or the ‘higher power’.

I was impressed and inspired by his incredible efforts to better himself continually. It seems like a form of spirituality that anyone can agree is good, regardless of religion, though it may be out of the reach of many, and it might drive one to insanity. All the same, it seems to me that the world would be a better place if we all made a bit more effort to reflect on our actions and improve ourselves. Obviously we wouldn’t all agree exactly on what makes a person good but I reckon there are some points on which most of us could agree.

Wilkinson also talked about being conscious of the decisions we make, not just the big decisions but the little ones too, especially those little mundane decisions that we don’t think about because we act habitually. Maybe if we were truly aware of all those little decisions we would be a step closer to being truly free but sometimes we don’t want to be.

Such devotion puts me to shame and most other Christians I would wager. This left an impression on me that lingered throughout the next day at work. I was in the downstairs part of the shop late in the afternoon when a woman came in whom I recognised from the day before. It was easy to recognise her because there was something unusual about her. Her head was down and she looked like she’d been painting a house, somehow it was obvious that she was on the edge of society in some way. Not that there was anything wrong with her necessarily just that she didn’t feel accepted by mainstream society for whatever reason.

She picked up a card with a poem on it entitled ‘Be Courageous’ and asked me whether people normally buy them for themselves or for others, I didn’t really think it mattered and I didn’t really know either. At this point she was a bit embarrassed as she tried to explain her situation, “You’re going to think I’m daft… …it’s for my hamster, he died the other day and I wanted to get something for him, I loved that hamster… …I’ve got kids but they’ve grown up and moved on now, so it was good to have the hamster”

Naturally, I was a little surprised by this but I thought it would be rude to laugh and I didn’t want to because I felt sorry for her. I thought quickly to myself regarding my view on praying for dead animals, I don’t have any special views on what happens to animals when they die but then I thought it wouldn’t necessarily be inappropriate to ask God to bless them wherever they may be. The evangelical objection to praying for the souls of the dead doesn’t seem to work if animals don’t have souls and if they do have souls, are they liable to judgment?

I told her “I don’t have any special view about what happens to animals when they die” but I also told her about my old dog Muttley who died a couple of years ago. I thought it might help if I showed that I know what it’s like to feel attachment to a pet. She seemed to really appreciate this and said that she had been really angry the day before because she went to the Cathedral and asked one of the ministers there to pray for her hamster, apparently he just told her to go and pray for it herself.

She was so appreciative of the fact that I would listen (not that I always have such a choice when customers decide to tell me things) and that I could empathise with her it lifted my spirits quite a lot too. I started to think about ‘calling’ though it’s a bit of a minefield if you ask me. After a couple of very discouraging comments from people in positions of authority this social leper had helped to resurrect some self-belief in me. I thought if I am to work with a church, my primary gift might well be a willingness to talk to the people who others ignore. Not that I always do this – there are plenty of people who get excluded because they are difficult to get on with, I’m not so good with them – but I do feel I have a certain affinity with outsiders, especially international people, probably because I often feel a bit of an outsider myself.

All this time I’ve been focussing on my goal of helping people to develop a critical awareness of the Bible; hopefully giving them the tools to investigate things for themselves rather than making bold assertions and ‘proof-texting’. I still hope to be able to do this and I think my old teacher provided an excellent role model for this kind of teaching which I hope to emulate but I think it would be more effective if people perceive some godly character in me too. (That’s not to suggest that people didn’t perceive godly character in my old teacher, I once heard one of his sternest critics say he couldn’t ‘fault his walk with God’) My gift to the Church (should the Church accept it) is an awareness of my own weakness and an ability to be open about it, sometimes. (Hopefully that doesn't mean I say things like 'even I am weak sometimes' which has the clear implication that I'm not as weak as my audience) I might also add that I think I have an ability to say the wrong thing at the right time; my Pentecostal upbringing gives me little respect for rigid traditions and sometimes even social conventions.

As I drove to my parents’ place after work that evening, the words of Paul came to mind:

1 Cor. 1:27-29 God chose what is foolish in the world to shame the wise; God
chose what is weak in the world to shame the strong; God chose what is
low and despised in the world, things that are not, to reduce to nothing
things that are, so that no one might boast in the presence of
God.

And regarding his 'thorn in the flesh':

2 Cor. 12:10 for whenever I am weak, then I am strong.

Maybe my ‘thorn in the flesh’ is a sort of social awkwardness but that social awkwardness affords me some kinship with other outsiders, ‘when I am weak, then I am strong’.

I also found myself remembering the words of a song I tried to write some years ago but never knew how to finish, I even thought that this might be the time to finish it – I failed. But I did find myself reciting the first (and only) verse and feeling that I was renewing the sentiment with which I wrote it in 1999, though with a somewhat different understanding.

Jesus, my life, it’s in your hands
Pieces, broken, mould me in your plan
Shattered dreams, selfish schemes, I leave them at your feet
Weakness, impurity, it’s your mercy that I need

(Any ideas of where to take it from there anyone?)