A new leaf?

It's about a year now since I started to reap the consequences of a very bad decision, or rather, a series of bad decisions (conscious or unconscious) which followed the first. Of course, I didn't know how bad a decision it would be at the time - I'm not in the habit of making bad decisions deliberately, though it might be said that I was more optimistic than I had reason to be.
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The consequence being the knowledge that I deeply hurt someone. I really didn't want to hurt that person but my earlier bad decisions left me in a position where I had no alternative. And the person in question wasn't going to let me forget in a hurry. I think I lost quite a lot of self-respect over it and I've been doubting whether I'm the kind of person I thought I was.

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The year since then hasn't been the best. A series of minor disasters mainly involoving cars and various other mishaps, slaving away at unfulfilling jobs and coming to terms with the fact that I no longer belong to the community of which I was a part for three years hasn't helped much.

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But I think the central problem amongst it all has been over my identity. I thought I knew what kind of a person I was. Most reports from others showed a fairly consistent pattern but then, all of a sudden, new evidence came to the fore, from both without and from within.

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According to the external evidence I was on a par with Joseph Stalin, Vlad the Impaler and Alex Ferguson. This seems ridiculous, I knew it was an extreme reaction but I had had this effect on someone. It was over the top, (I hope) but there was a seed of truth in it. The criticism was stinging because I recognised myself in it while at the same time feeling unfairly condemned and paralysed to defend myself. Maybe, if I were more assertive, I could defend myself better or even make myself out to be an innocent victim but I don't think that would be entirely honest or any more virtuous.

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There was internal evidence too, I found myself guilty of things I'd complacently been judgmental of others for in the past. I don't know whether this was because of the specific situation I got myself into or whether it might be a general character flaw. I hope the former, naturally.

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I'm hoping that a year on I can make a new start. I wrote my last envelope for the Civil Service on Friday. On Tuesday I'm off home and then to Birmingham on Wednesday to start my MA. It seems that in life we go through times of buiding up and breaking down, the last year has been one of breaking down. Hopefully, this year will be one of rebuilding.

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I don't want to make it sound like the last year has been nothing but misery, it hasn't. I've certainly enjoyed parts of it - especially where table-tennis and volleyball have been involved, and I've been to the cinema more frequently than ever. I'm thankful for my friends - if you're reading this then you're probably one of them (unless you're P. McAvoy).

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So, anyway, it seems I'm not so great as I thought I was (not that I ever thuoght I was all that 'great') and I still doubt my suitability for my vision/pipe-dream of working with a church in a teaching capacity. Hopefully, all will become clearer in the coming months.